My mother had nine children, and eight of her births were unmedicated.
So when I went into labor in May of 2021, I wanted my own unmedicated birth experience.
I was flooded with both surprise and relief.
I couldn’t believe I was so far along.
This was really happening.
I remember a small grin making its way across my face and a nervous chuckle escaping my lips.
Everything was going the way I’d wanted it to go so far.
Make plans and God laughs, the old Yiddish proverb says.
Well, make a birth plan and God must surely be hysterical.
It felt like a consuming pressure that demanded every inch of my body’s attention.
This was the moment that I was about to deliver my son.
I was about to feel the same fire and the magic my mom felt.
Or so, that’s what I thought was about to happen.
But I was wrong.
you’re free to’t push yet, I recall one of the nurses telling me.
Confused and upset, I questioned why.
I took their word.
As more time passed, the urge to push became harder to ignore.
I honestly don’t remember what words came out of my mouth.
I just remember feeling like I had no other option.
When it came time topush, I was completely numb from the waist down.
I couldn’t feel myself pushing, and labor wasn’t progressing as the doctors wanted it to.
Even though they lowered the dosage of the epidural at one point, its effects had already set in.
About 20 to 30 minutes later, our baby was born.
I was so out of it that I didn’t cry when my son was placed on my chest.
Overall, I felt removed from the birthing experience of my first child.
My body needed rest, and so did my mind.
I know that my friends and loved ones were well-intentioned.
I truly wasn’t expecting birth to go exactly as planned.
But those small disappointments add up, and the complex emotions create an internal wrestling match.
I was basically an hour away from having the birthing experience that I desired.
Motherhood is unpredictable our birth experiences are often the first of many chaotic currents we face.
If you’re free to conquer one, you’re free to surf them all.
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